Here I am again. Lying on your bed, summer sheets tucked against my ankles. City Breezes running through the rifts in your shades, hot smoke from somewhere seven floors below heating my naked soul. Oh, lord. Here I am again. I am waking now, my eyes adjusting to the shadows in your room, each piece of reality focusing into the screens of my nearly blind eyes.
Oh, and I can see you, sitting across the room from me, in the shadows of your closet. Naked from our sex, feet crossed underneath you, the music of your guitar filling the empty spaces. Picking on the chords, the gentle rhythm sending ripples to my naked soul. Oh, lord, here I am again. You can see me now, although I cannot see you. Just glimpse. That's all I'm aloud. Just a glimpse. You put the guitar down just gentle, the strings protesting in echo. You walk naked across the room, your feet padding on the linoleum.
Your naked body, gentle and simple as the starting breezes of a summer day, sifts gently across to my position on the bed. "Did you like it?" I hear you say. I place my hands on your arm, warm and strong. "The music? I suppose." I hear you laugh, and I desperately yearn again to see your face, your smile, I yearn. "No. The sex." I smile a bit. I can just see you, a simple outline in my focus, sitting straight, waiting for an answer. "Ah, the irony. The things I cannot see seem less than the things I can feel. Ah the irony." I touch your feet, cold and rough, like stones shifting in the ocean, years and years of worn worth. I feel you touch my hair. "Golden." You say, and I feel your tongue on my neck. "My little lost albino." I did hate that once. "I'm not lost," I would say. But of coarse I am. I love it now. I love it.
Coffee beans simmering in a hot pot drift up the open window, and the ladies from below begin to dance and sing, gentle melodies from the islands they mourn. I feel you shift under me, your head on the bed, your shadow gentle. "Lie with me love," you say and I obey, feel my face against your cool chest, your smooth and worn chest. The traffic has started outside your window, the hum and exhaust of morning movements stir the silence. I see the single shadow of a moth on the window frame, close to my face. I can smell the dankness in your sheets, your imperfections crawling at me like winter into summer.
I still love you.
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Canary word: Present
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125,006 Literary Works • 672,809 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Okay....this is an interesting start. I don't know if I've seen anything quite of this nature before. It certainly is a pretty intriguing moment in terms of what the context could be for what's going on here, but then again it is a little bit more of a standard sort of opening, there's nothing here that manages to be too far out the ordinary.
Hmm well that panned out about as well as one would expect from a situation like this. There is an odd sense of serenity that's spread this whole piece here and I am loving it at the moment. I think you've done a wonderful job with establishing that. The one nitpick if any that I have here is the dialogue not being properly divided into paragraphs when these people are speaking.
Okay....well that ended pretty much exactly as it started. Its quite a very normal and simple scene but I think it does enough to work towards that line at the end there and you do manage to in fact make a pretty strong bit of emotion arise here. Its a simple story and it works pretty well.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Vertually the same as emotion less, its just a wall of words and so it's almost impossible to read. You need to look at you paragraphing and how to write speech.
The repeating of 'Oh, Lord' gets annoying after a while but if you put it in a few times it could have an affect on the way it's read making it more interesting.
It's written beautifully... but you should really space it out into paragraph form. It's difficult to read when it's like this. All I have to say is watch out for spelling/grammar and put it into paragraph form. Otherwise, it's written very nicely and poetic.